grab hold before it's gone

Hey

So I haven't blogged since Sunday and it's been...a really crazy past 3 days. Like i've been so on edge it seems with other people and so unable to plan things and to get everything...organized. I can see it in the way I interact with other people and I guess I kind of feel bad for that. Like I haven't been...the best kind of person these past few days. 

I've been having tests...major tests for the past 2 days and i guess it's been kind of hard because i'm so stressed out about studying and i know i should be...but i end up being stressed. And for bio it wasn't that bad because i came out of the test feeling alright. Today it was calc and it was...difficult. And afterwards I felt so disappointed in myself. Because it's not even about the mark that I get back from. It's the fact that I didn't study as much as I should've. And I kind of stayed up with my dad last night and we reviewed some stuff and it seemed okay but come test time....I had no faith in myself and my math ability afterwards.
Afterwards I was talking to a friend who was staying after school as well and he told me how he had failed one question and it was like 5/11 marks and he was...pretty chills about it.

And then I guess i realized that it was because I felt like I had kind of failed my parents. I've always had an alright time getting high marks and i'm blessed with a brain that can take in information relatively well. Like when I study i probably have to study for less time than the average person in my class and still get higher than them. But I guess i can't do that anymore. And I know that. I have to get disciplined and DO my math. and keep up with it. and not just assume i know it. 
My mom called me while I was still at school and while I was telling her about the math test I felt myself tearing and it was the first time in a long time that I had been tearing for reasons that weren't related with yawning. And it was from that overwhelming feeling of failure and like i'd let them down. Because they invest a lot of time in me. They don't make me do a lot of chores. They let me go to church. And they trust that I'll do well in school and that i'll try. And getting a probably 60% on a math test just...isn't what they're invested for. I don't know really how to put it. But bottom line I guess is just that I felt like I let them down. And in a sense it goes with God too. like He's blessed me with this crazy ability to memorize and all that but I'm not using it to the fullest of it's ability. I should put it to work. And serving in church is not an excuse to not working hard. Because i need to balance. 

I realized that my mom's been gone for...a good week now. More. And it's weird because life's kind of gone on the same. I talk to her on the phone. I think I like doing more stuff. Even packing my own lunch has a feeling that...i'm doing something. And today I learned to peel an orange efficiently and I can just feel in general that I'm not as super lazy and that I'm doing stuff and I hope I continue it even after my mom comes back. I like spending time with my dad. Even if it's just talking about math and random stuff. 

And today we had wednesday chill groups and it was nice to just hang out with them. Didn't really get to talk to them as much about like issues we're all going through but it was nice anyways. Just knowing that I can always talk to them and go to them. 

I guess the night is drifting on. Drifting Wood. CGN. haha i'm kind of excited =) 
excited for a-group time =)

p.requests: 
- loving people i don't know
- discipline to do my work and to do stuff around the house =) 

thanks 

-Chris