Hey
I feel like i haven't really blogged/journal-ed in a REALLY long time even though it's probably only been a couple of days.
It feels like the last couple of days have been extraordinarily long and somehow not tiring. Which is an amazing blessing.
So I guess I'll start with...saturday =)
During the beginning of the weekend I kind of started to freak out because well...I guess I felt overwhelmed with Coffeehouse and VBC and more Coffeehouse and AV but it wasn't actually bad. Saturday was pretty fun with the VBC training =)
It was pretty awesome meeting everyone and I guess being able to just have fun and forget about what I'd be doing for the rest of the week. Good distraction =)
But then I still had the whole VBC drama scare and figuring out how to practice with Vince and it was just tiring to think about it. But actually, I was able to just pray with a couple friends afterwards. Funnily, during one of the prayers one of them mentioned us as a group of friends and it's so normal and true but for some reason it'd been so long since i'd said it out loud, it'd always just been...in my head. So that was pretty interesting =)
And then Sunday I had my first time in a long time back in the congregation just sitting there and not having to do anything. I guess at first i was reluctant and I wanted to stay within the AV booth for a couple reasons but after I got kicked out it was...well I haven't done it in a while and it was refreshing I guess. And the speaker was really passionate which was a nice change.
BRB WILL FINISH POST WHEN IT'S NOT SO LATE AT NIGHT!
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Time to Remember what's Really Important
Hey
So I guess I haven't really written in a while. So much for writing everyday. But I guess that's what's nice about blogs. They're always sitting here for you. Not always. Just...most of the time and for a couple years probably.
These past couple days have been kind of hectic in a sense. Today was the first experience of being extremely burned out. In a while at least.
I've had Summer Institute volunteering for the past 3 weeks or so and it's pretty good and good experience just being there and learning the experience of a non-christian camp. I guess it's given me a different perspective. It's also showed me what it's really like to let go of the world's views in front of others. Like it was a struggle and it still kind of is to pray before lunch in front of random volunteers and just to find time to stay connected. Took a short run this morning though. It was break. The air's fresh. Without the sun beating hard on your back. So it's better.
But I came home today from baseball at SI and i had to go to drama practice really fast. So I guess for me that was really stressful and i wasn't able to rest very much and at the practice we had to rush a video for the rules. And i wore a piece of female clothing. And for that period of time i felt so....weird. Well i felt kind of negative about myself . Kind of like I was the biggest fool ever. Why? Partly because of what's been happening for some time now =\ For those of you know who know what i'm talking about...it's the thing i've mentioned before that hasn't really gone away.
And then i had to leave before it all ended.
And so i guess i'm stuck in this place right now where i know i need to let go. I can't fight the hands that are trying to guide me anymore. And i can't seem to fully grasp the concept of grace right now and how i don't really have to be ashamed. And it doesn't matter what other people think. What one person thinks. That latter one is hard to let go of. But i'm going to have to.
Sam showed me a song recently. A line really touched me.
Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
- By your side by Tenth Avenue North
And so I guess i'm kind of at a point of my life where i just need to release and i need to let go. I don't material things. I need to live. I need to love. I need God. I need to let it all go. And only then will I get some real glimpse of life.
Goodnight friends.
-Chris
So I guess I haven't really written in a while. So much for writing everyday. But I guess that's what's nice about blogs. They're always sitting here for you. Not always. Just...most of the time and for a couple years probably.
These past couple days have been kind of hectic in a sense. Today was the first experience of being extremely burned out. In a while at least.
I've had Summer Institute volunteering for the past 3 weeks or so and it's pretty good and good experience just being there and learning the experience of a non-christian camp. I guess it's given me a different perspective. It's also showed me what it's really like to let go of the world's views in front of others. Like it was a struggle and it still kind of is to pray before lunch in front of random volunteers and just to find time to stay connected. Took a short run this morning though. It was break. The air's fresh. Without the sun beating hard on your back. So it's better.
But I came home today from baseball at SI and i had to go to drama practice really fast. So I guess for me that was really stressful and i wasn't able to rest very much and at the practice we had to rush a video for the rules. And i wore a piece of female clothing. And for that period of time i felt so....weird. Well i felt kind of negative about myself . Kind of like I was the biggest fool ever. Why? Partly because of what's been happening for some time now =\ For those of you know who know what i'm talking about...it's the thing i've mentioned before that hasn't really gone away.
And then i had to leave before it all ended.
And so i guess i'm stuck in this place right now where i know i need to let go. I can't fight the hands that are trying to guide me anymore. And i can't seem to fully grasp the concept of grace right now and how i don't really have to be ashamed. And it doesn't matter what other people think. What one person thinks. That latter one is hard to let go of. But i'm going to have to.
Sam showed me a song recently. A line really touched me.
Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
- By your side by Tenth Avenue North
And so I guess i'm kind of at a point of my life where i just need to release and i need to let go. I don't material things. I need to live. I need to love. I need God. I need to let it all go. And only then will I get some real glimpse of life.
Goodnight friends.
-Chris
Friday, July 17, 2009
Time to Breathe
Hey
So this is technically the first day of blogging.
And I guess I feel...kind of empty. At the moment. Like i'm not quite sure what i'm up to and just...what happened yesterday.
By yesterday I mean fellowship.
So 2 days ago, I went out and sat on a play structure in the open sky and just did my devos there. And I guess I felt so free there, so open to just the world and being able to move. Like doing devos in my room is alright too but there's just something about the way the air smells and just everything about being outside.
So that day went pretty awesome and I guess i felt so up and about and in a sense it was good to feel so exuberant.
But then last night I guess i came home and felt kind of empty because I the night felt kind of disconnected and I felt like there wasn't really any true fellowship. Like I loved the idea of painting and it was really great and it was innovative and new and the idea itself was great it was just that it seemed that within my own group, there was a lack of unity in a sense. Behind me, I know at least 3 people didn't touch the canvas or feel included that much because everyone was having their own conversations. And I know i'm to blame for this as much as anyone.
But when I think about the night as a whole. The WHOLE night, there were some pretty amazing things that happened. In chronological order, the first would have to be weeding. That was some pretty awesome fun =). Mostly with Freddy, Nat and it was just some good times. And also, I guess I really liked how the worship went for the night. It felt so pure and old school andI guess that's something to be happy about.
So overall, last night was alright. Took some time, but after sitting and breathing and i guess reflecting upon it, it got better.
And so today I awoke to a beautiful day outside and started my day off with a nice bike ride followed by some music and there was some strange parts of that but in the end, I guess it ended up going alright. I just hope she's alright now.
The sun glows high above in the sky and despite the wind, it still brings a sense of security and ther's not much to worry about is there?
So as it stands, I'm just going to go out and do whatever happens and just pray it just...lives. =)
I've always wanted to say over and out =P
-My Unspoken Words
So this is technically the first day of blogging.
And I guess I feel...kind of empty. At the moment. Like i'm not quite sure what i'm up to and just...what happened yesterday.
By yesterday I mean fellowship.
So 2 days ago, I went out and sat on a play structure in the open sky and just did my devos there. And I guess I felt so free there, so open to just the world and being able to move. Like doing devos in my room is alright too but there's just something about the way the air smells and just everything about being outside.
So that day went pretty awesome and I guess i felt so up and about and in a sense it was good to feel so exuberant.
But then last night I guess i came home and felt kind of empty because I the night felt kind of disconnected and I felt like there wasn't really any true fellowship. Like I loved the idea of painting and it was really great and it was innovative and new and the idea itself was great it was just that it seemed that within my own group, there was a lack of unity in a sense. Behind me, I know at least 3 people didn't touch the canvas or feel included that much because everyone was having their own conversations. And I know i'm to blame for this as much as anyone.
But when I think about the night as a whole. The WHOLE night, there were some pretty amazing things that happened. In chronological order, the first would have to be weeding. That was some pretty awesome fun =). Mostly with Freddy, Nat and it was just some good times. And also, I guess I really liked how the worship went for the night. It felt so pure and old school andI guess that's something to be happy about.
So overall, last night was alright. Took some time, but after sitting and breathing and i guess reflecting upon it, it got better.
And so today I awoke to a beautiful day outside and started my day off with a nice bike ride followed by some music and there was some strange parts of that but in the end, I guess it ended up going alright. I just hope she's alright now.
The sun glows high above in the sky and despite the wind, it still brings a sense of security and ther's not much to worry about is there?
So as it stands, I'm just going to go out and do whatever happens and just pray it just...lives. =)
I've always wanted to say over and out =P
-My Unspoken Words
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Time to Clean this Old House
Hey.
So this is my first blog post. For my second blog. =)
I guess you might be wondering where my first blog is. It's kind of just like a rant screen. Which i guess is good seeing as typing them in word documents just doesn't seem to work as well as seeing it in a blog with pretty font and i guess that's a secondary reason. I guess the main reason is that it's just...easier to share with other people.
So first I'll start with the name of the blog. I was reading through Matthew 11:30 and this was the verse in The Message translation and it kind of struck me. First the word unforced was really...i don't know. I guess that's a word that should hit me a little because i feel like lately some of the things i do are kind of forced. Not like i force myself to love but it's that it just doesn't come fully naturally and fully out of expression of worship to God and just loving Him. And the use of rhythms makes it sound...just so amazing because it makes me think of music and this kind of like flowing image. Grace flows down. Something like that. I think it's a song title =). I digress. Haha learned that from Amanda.
So a couple people asked me if they could read my blog after I made it yesterday. And my first response was kind of hesitant. I wasn't quite sure what to say. It was like a giant rant and some of things...i guess i didn't feel like i was ready to say yet. So this is...basically the same posts except maybe a couple things are cut out. But trust me. Not that much. So here it is. =)
So here I am, in the midst of summer, supposedly the best days of the year and yet i don't know what to feel. I'm kind of stuck somewhere. Not really. Maybe. I'm not quite sure.
So this year i decided to be the head of VBC Drama and i wasn't quite sure what i was thinking when i accepted it. Maybe i was thinking about the amazing experience i had last year. And maybe i was thinking about serving God. Hopefully the latter one was the first priority in my head but as of recently i guess I feel like i haven't been serving or looking deeper into him at all. Like i have time. But i'm not spending it doing very much. Or at least not something I feel God has really called me to do.
So if anyone somehow stumbles onto this, i guess i've never written a blog before so i don't know how to write one. I'm just rambling.
Maybe at the core of it all i feel pretty useless and helpless and pretty stagnant in everything i'm doing. Like everything. I'm in the drama team and i'm supposed to be leading it and writing scripts but i feel like the scripts aren't very good and I can't really lead. Today we had a practice and i guess it felt kind of good just releasing but i still felt trapped. Not necessarily trapped but just...unable.
I guess there's a topic that needs to be addressed because it's something that's been going on for a while. There's a girl. I know eh? So unoriginal. It's almost like there always seems to be a girl that trips me up and i can't seem to fully commit myself to everything but not saying she herself is a bad person. I guess in some cases, I've come to realize that it's not all bad. To be honest, some really amazing times of fellowship have come out of it and it's not all like me being dumb all the time as sometimes i guess i seem to exaggerate. I guess this summer i had mixed feelings about it. I would see her a lot. A lot. Like almost 4 days a week. And that might not seem like a lot considering that i see her maybe 2-3 hours each of those days. But it feels like forever. And for those 2-3 short hours. I'm always wondering. Wondering what's happening. Wondering what she's thinking. Wondering if she's alright. And maybe the latter isn't bad but i feel like it's caused me to go out of whack.
I had VBC Drama Pracitce today. And i guess i didn't feel very fully prepared and my mind was kind of...i guess on other things. Sad to say. And so the entire time i wasn't able to fully think and my script was kind of bad. And i forgot to pray. Pray at the beginning, end and the middle and just pray in general. I forgot to pray.
So i guess back to that problem. I should probably wrap that one up before tackling another one. So right now I guess I'm always distracted. And i did some thinking last night. And i guess i've come to this conclusion for a while now. I don't want a girlfriend. Figured that one out a while back. But i wasn't quite sure what was going on with this girl because it's been like almost a year since it started back in summer of last year. And it's strange because it's like i just want to get to know her, to talk to her, and yet there's some weirdo feelings mixed up in that. Not sicko perverted feelings but just...weird ones. Jealousy somewhere mixed in. And a lot of....i don't know. I really don't. Sadly. And so I'm not quite sure what more there is to say about it. I don't know what i'm doing these days. Sometimes i see her. and it's just ridiculous what happens inside my brain. I can't seem to fully concentrate on what I'm doing. And I always think about how i look and i don't understand it. Because I don't want a girlfriend. And so i don't see the need of impressing anyone. Except somehow it still happens. And it's terribly frustrating. Frustrating and helpless. Which i guess leads to the next topic i need to address in my life.
God.
To the passing onlooker i guess it may seem like a fuzzy subject. Or one not preferred. But it is in my life. Recently I've been reading the gospel of Matthew and the book Crazy Love and they're both so convicting. Like God's just almost speaking to me in every chapter and it's just like....i feel like i've failed to be what He wants me to be and I don't know how to change that. I was talking to Tim a while back. And he told me it starts with the inward change. And i guess i feel like i've been feeling that. But it's like i haven't whole heartedly been spending my time focusing on God and putting him in my life. And as hard as it's suppoed to be. I have time. I have the resources. I have the life to do it. But sadly it never seems to happen. I get caught up doing things that mean nothing. And the sad thing is i know they mean nothing. But i do them anyways. Watching TV at like 11 at night when i should be in bed. Or reading His word.
And I guess this is where the concept of Grace takes over. But it's like i haven't really realized that yet. Like i have to relearn Love and Grace. Like 1 corinthians. Taking the time to look at it all again. All of it. But that's where the excuse of time comes into play. And it's like i'm scared of breaking the norm that i've been trapped in for so long. Matthew says to spend your whole life on God. Not to think that spending just a couple minutes or an hour with God a day is going to make your relationship healthy and good. That's half hearted and unwilling and it's like i don't know the real God enough because if I did I think i'd be absolutely adoring Him and giving up everything to be with Him. Or that's what Matthew says.
And so this is the end of my first post.
I think it's kind of long.
But we'll see.
How it all goes.
I don't know how my relationship with God will change.
But i know it needs to.
For my own sake. And because I can't love God and try to stick with the world's norms at the same time.
-My Unspoken Words
So this is my first blog post. For my second blog. =)
I guess you might be wondering where my first blog is. It's kind of just like a rant screen. Which i guess is good seeing as typing them in word documents just doesn't seem to work as well as seeing it in a blog with pretty font and i guess that's a secondary reason. I guess the main reason is that it's just...easier to share with other people.
So first I'll start with the name of the blog. I was reading through Matthew 11:30 and this was the verse in The Message translation and it kind of struck me. First the word unforced was really...i don't know. I guess that's a word that should hit me a little because i feel like lately some of the things i do are kind of forced. Not like i force myself to love but it's that it just doesn't come fully naturally and fully out of expression of worship to God and just loving Him. And the use of rhythms makes it sound...just so amazing because it makes me think of music and this kind of like flowing image. Grace flows down. Something like that. I think it's a song title =). I digress. Haha learned that from Amanda.
So a couple people asked me if they could read my blog after I made it yesterday. And my first response was kind of hesitant. I wasn't quite sure what to say. It was like a giant rant and some of things...i guess i didn't feel like i was ready to say yet. So this is...basically the same posts except maybe a couple things are cut out. But trust me. Not that much. So here it is. =)
So here I am, in the midst of summer, supposedly the best days of the year and yet i don't know what to feel. I'm kind of stuck somewhere. Not really. Maybe. I'm not quite sure.
So this year i decided to be the head of VBC Drama and i wasn't quite sure what i was thinking when i accepted it. Maybe i was thinking about the amazing experience i had last year. And maybe i was thinking about serving God. Hopefully the latter one was the first priority in my head but as of recently i guess I feel like i haven't been serving or looking deeper into him at all. Like i have time. But i'm not spending it doing very much. Or at least not something I feel God has really called me to do.
So if anyone somehow stumbles onto this, i guess i've never written a blog before so i don't know how to write one. I'm just rambling.
Maybe at the core of it all i feel pretty useless and helpless and pretty stagnant in everything i'm doing. Like everything. I'm in the drama team and i'm supposed to be leading it and writing scripts but i feel like the scripts aren't very good and I can't really lead. Today we had a practice and i guess it felt kind of good just releasing but i still felt trapped. Not necessarily trapped but just...unable.
I guess there's a topic that needs to be addressed because it's something that's been going on for a while. There's a girl. I know eh? So unoriginal. It's almost like there always seems to be a girl that trips me up and i can't seem to fully commit myself to everything but not saying she herself is a bad person. I guess in some cases, I've come to realize that it's not all bad. To be honest, some really amazing times of fellowship have come out of it and it's not all like me being dumb all the time as sometimes i guess i seem to exaggerate. I guess this summer i had mixed feelings about it. I would see her a lot. A lot. Like almost 4 days a week. And that might not seem like a lot considering that i see her maybe 2-3 hours each of those days. But it feels like forever. And for those 2-3 short hours. I'm always wondering. Wondering what's happening. Wondering what she's thinking. Wondering if she's alright. And maybe the latter isn't bad but i feel like it's caused me to go out of whack.
I had VBC Drama Pracitce today. And i guess i didn't feel very fully prepared and my mind was kind of...i guess on other things. Sad to say. And so the entire time i wasn't able to fully think and my script was kind of bad. And i forgot to pray. Pray at the beginning, end and the middle and just pray in general. I forgot to pray.
So i guess back to that problem. I should probably wrap that one up before tackling another one. So right now I guess I'm always distracted. And i did some thinking last night. And i guess i've come to this conclusion for a while now. I don't want a girlfriend. Figured that one out a while back. But i wasn't quite sure what was going on with this girl because it's been like almost a year since it started back in summer of last year. And it's strange because it's like i just want to get to know her, to talk to her, and yet there's some weirdo feelings mixed up in that. Not sicko perverted feelings but just...weird ones. Jealousy somewhere mixed in. And a lot of....i don't know. I really don't. Sadly. And so I'm not quite sure what more there is to say about it. I don't know what i'm doing these days. Sometimes i see her. and it's just ridiculous what happens inside my brain. I can't seem to fully concentrate on what I'm doing. And I always think about how i look and i don't understand it. Because I don't want a girlfriend. And so i don't see the need of impressing anyone. Except somehow it still happens. And it's terribly frustrating. Frustrating and helpless. Which i guess leads to the next topic i need to address in my life.
God.
To the passing onlooker i guess it may seem like a fuzzy subject. Or one not preferred. But it is in my life. Recently I've been reading the gospel of Matthew and the book Crazy Love and they're both so convicting. Like God's just almost speaking to me in every chapter and it's just like....i feel like i've failed to be what He wants me to be and I don't know how to change that. I was talking to Tim a while back. And he told me it starts with the inward change. And i guess i feel like i've been feeling that. But it's like i haven't whole heartedly been spending my time focusing on God and putting him in my life. And as hard as it's suppoed to be. I have time. I have the resources. I have the life to do it. But sadly it never seems to happen. I get caught up doing things that mean nothing. And the sad thing is i know they mean nothing. But i do them anyways. Watching TV at like 11 at night when i should be in bed. Or reading His word.
And I guess this is where the concept of Grace takes over. But it's like i haven't really realized that yet. Like i have to relearn Love and Grace. Like 1 corinthians. Taking the time to look at it all again. All of it. But that's where the excuse of time comes into play. And it's like i'm scared of breaking the norm that i've been trapped in for so long. Matthew says to spend your whole life on God. Not to think that spending just a couple minutes or an hour with God a day is going to make your relationship healthy and good. That's half hearted and unwilling and it's like i don't know the real God enough because if I did I think i'd be absolutely adoring Him and giving up everything to be with Him. Or that's what Matthew says.
And so this is the end of my first post.
I think it's kind of long.
But we'll see.
How it all goes.
I don't know how my relationship with God will change.
But i know it needs to.
For my own sake. And because I can't love God and try to stick with the world's norms at the same time.
-My Unspoken Words
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