Hey.
So this is my first blog post. For my second blog. =)
I guess you might be wondering where my first blog is. It's kind of just like a rant screen. Which i guess is good seeing as typing them in word documents just doesn't seem to work as well as seeing it in a blog with pretty font and i guess that's a secondary reason. I guess the main reason is that it's just...easier to share with other people.
So first I'll start with the name of the blog. I was reading through Matthew 11:30 and this was the verse in The Message translation and it kind of struck me. First the word unforced was really...i don't know. I guess that's a word that should hit me a little because i feel like lately some of the things i do are kind of forced. Not like i force myself to love but it's that it just doesn't come fully naturally and fully out of expression of worship to God and just loving Him. And the use of rhythms makes it sound...just so amazing because it makes me think of music and this kind of like flowing image. Grace flows down. Something like that. I think it's a song title =). I digress. Haha learned that from Amanda.
So a couple people asked me if they could read my blog after I made it yesterday. And my first response was kind of hesitant. I wasn't quite sure what to say. It was like a giant rant and some of things...i guess i didn't feel like i was ready to say yet. So this is...basically the same posts except maybe a couple things are cut out. But trust me. Not that much. So here it is. =)
So here I am, in the midst of summer, supposedly the best days of the year and yet i don't know what to feel. I'm kind of stuck somewhere. Not really. Maybe. I'm not quite sure.
So this year i decided to be the head of VBC Drama and i wasn't quite sure what i was thinking when i accepted it. Maybe i was thinking about the amazing experience i had last year. And maybe i was thinking about serving God. Hopefully the latter one was the first priority in my head but as of recently i guess I feel like i haven't been serving or looking deeper into him at all. Like i have time. But i'm not spending it doing very much. Or at least not something I feel God has really called me to do.
So if anyone somehow stumbles onto this, i guess i've never written a blog before so i don't know how to write one. I'm just rambling.
Maybe at the core of it all i feel pretty useless and helpless and pretty stagnant in everything i'm doing. Like everything. I'm in the drama team and i'm supposed to be leading it and writing scripts but i feel like the scripts aren't very good and I can't really lead. Today we had a practice and i guess it felt kind of good just releasing but i still felt trapped. Not necessarily trapped but just...unable.
I guess there's a topic that needs to be addressed because it's something that's been going on for a while. There's a girl. I know eh? So unoriginal. It's almost like there always seems to be a girl that trips me up and i can't seem to fully commit myself to everything but not saying she herself is a bad person. I guess in some cases, I've come to realize that it's not all bad. To be honest, some really amazing times of fellowship have come out of it and it's not all like me being dumb all the time as sometimes i guess i seem to exaggerate. I guess this summer i had mixed feelings about it. I would see her a lot. A lot. Like almost 4 days a week. And that might not seem like a lot considering that i see her maybe 2-3 hours each of those days. But it feels like forever. And for those 2-3 short hours. I'm always wondering. Wondering what's happening. Wondering what she's thinking. Wondering if she's alright. And maybe the latter isn't bad but i feel like it's caused me to go out of whack.
I had VBC Drama Pracitce today. And i guess i didn't feel very fully prepared and my mind was kind of...i guess on other things. Sad to say. And so the entire time i wasn't able to fully think and my script was kind of bad. And i forgot to pray. Pray at the beginning, end and the middle and just pray in general. I forgot to pray.
So i guess back to that problem. I should probably wrap that one up before tackling another one. So right now I guess I'm always distracted. And i did some thinking last night. And i guess i've come to this conclusion for a while now. I don't want a girlfriend. Figured that one out a while back. But i wasn't quite sure what was going on with this girl because it's been like almost a year since it started back in summer of last year. And it's strange because it's like i just want to get to know her, to talk to her, and yet there's some weirdo feelings mixed up in that. Not sicko perverted feelings but just...weird ones. Jealousy somewhere mixed in. And a lot of....i don't know. I really don't. Sadly. And so I'm not quite sure what more there is to say about it. I don't know what i'm doing these days. Sometimes i see her. and it's just ridiculous what happens inside my brain. I can't seem to fully concentrate on what I'm doing. And I always think about how i look and i don't understand it. Because I don't want a girlfriend. And so i don't see the need of impressing anyone. Except somehow it still happens. And it's terribly frustrating. Frustrating and helpless. Which i guess leads to the next topic i need to address in my life.
God.
To the passing onlooker i guess it may seem like a fuzzy subject. Or one not preferred. But it is in my life. Recently I've been reading the gospel of Matthew and the book Crazy Love and they're both so convicting. Like God's just almost speaking to me in every chapter and it's just like....i feel like i've failed to be what He wants me to be and I don't know how to change that. I was talking to Tim a while back. And he told me it starts with the inward change. And i guess i feel like i've been feeling that. But it's like i haven't whole heartedly been spending my time focusing on God and putting him in my life. And as hard as it's suppoed to be. I have time. I have the resources. I have the life to do it. But sadly it never seems to happen. I get caught up doing things that mean nothing. And the sad thing is i know they mean nothing. But i do them anyways. Watching TV at like 11 at night when i should be in bed. Or reading His word.
And I guess this is where the concept of Grace takes over. But it's like i haven't really realized that yet. Like i have to relearn Love and Grace. Like 1 corinthians. Taking the time to look at it all again. All of it. But that's where the excuse of time comes into play. And it's like i'm scared of breaking the norm that i've been trapped in for so long. Matthew says to spend your whole life on God. Not to think that spending just a couple minutes or an hour with God a day is going to make your relationship healthy and good. That's half hearted and unwilling and it's like i don't know the real God enough because if I did I think i'd be absolutely adoring Him and giving up everything to be with Him. Or that's what Matthew says.
And so this is the end of my first post.
I think it's kind of long.
But we'll see.
How it all goes.
I don't know how my relationship with God will change.
But i know it needs to.
For my own sake. And because I can't love God and try to stick with the world's norms at the same time.
-My Unspoken Words
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