Hi
I don't quite know what the title is about. But i guess i just don't feel so great right now. I don't really know what i'm doing. Writing this blog. I should probably be praying. hard.
Right now, I'm struggling with a couple things. This morning I woke up and it was only one thing. One small thing when i put it light of everything else. But when i woke up it seemed to kind of be ridiculously enlarged. That was pretty selfish of me. Pretty selfish.
So for the past couple of days I've been setting off on little bike excursions and wrestling with the idea of girls. It's weird. And it sounds pretty trippy. I know. It actually sounds kind of dumb. Everytime i tell someone or write about it. I feel dumb. I guess maybe it's because it's weird talking about it because i haven't fully come to terms with it or i don't know what i'm doing anymore. I guess for the past...months i've been trying to let it go. Or rather let it pass. And i've been wrestling with God because i'm really not sure what he wants me to do. And i feel kind of ashamed that it's become such a distraction. That i can't properly serve in ministries or that I just can't spend enough time with God.
Feels kind of like a loop. It pops up from time to time. And almost every time, I feel kind of messed up. Well usually it's pretty messed up. To be honest.
This morning I woke up to the sound of yelling. I'm still not quite sure if I should be putting this up on a blog which i probably gave at least 10 people the URL to. But I guess it's a little late now eh? And maybe this is what it means to have faith and trust. I guess i'm letting my mind just guide my fingers and i'm not even going to bother being mysterious or what not.
Right now. At this moment. I'm struggling with the fact that my parents are fighting. Again. And maybe they've fought to the point where I become numb to it once in a while. But tonight it was different. I sat there watching them, trying to sort it out and finding that I couldn't. And the things that they said were....they didn't seem real. Or they did. But i just haven't computed it yet. Like you always think it's something solid right? that they're always gonna stick through it.
I know people who have parents that are broken up. It happens to a high number of the population. But i'd never expect it in my own household. And I guess it hasn't hit that point. But it's pretty broken.
Which is why I should be praying. hard. because there's nothing else i really know how to do. I don't know how many people might read this blog. Maybe one day someone will stumble upon it. But for now. I guess this is just for me. To put it somewhere. Not to jam it inside some corner of the most desolate part of my heart. But to write it. So that at least it's somewhere.
And if you could do me a favor...could you pray for me? whoever's reading this. I wonder if you believe in God. And if you do...would you please pray for me?
It sounds kind of selfish doesn't it?
I'm sorry.
Thank you. For reading this I guess. For taking time. For listening. If you've gotten to this point. Thank you.
-Chris
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