Cluttered Mind

Hey

So I guess I haven't written in a couple of days. About 3. I think =)
It was a strange post, the one i did a couple days ago.
I guess it was very....haha intense?

It's funny I'm not quite sure who will ever read this. So I guess this is more of my own little outlet and thoughts than really for anyone else. Which is good. =)
Which is why I've decided that I'm going to try to stick to one blog. Rather than 2. Because if i'm going to be discreet on one of them, there's really no point to writing 2 posts about relatively the same thing. Cool =)

So yea, since I last wrote, it seems to have gotten a lot better. I guess in terms of my family it's been going....really well. Praise Jesus! =) Ahaha. It's like something Sam would say.
But seriously, I'm thankful that for the most part, it's been going really smoothly. And I don't regret really talking about it like that the last time i wrote. Because that's how i felt at the time. And I guess I 'll probably feel it again at some point in my life. And if it's real, I guess I don't regret it because the whole point of this blog was to be able to just say whatever I wanted to say.

So I guess the pressing issue now...well actually there's two. It's like somehow there's always multiple ones. Which I guess keeps my life..moving =P
The first would have to be VBC.
It's tomorrow!

Haha i've been asking people if they're excited for the past while and I say i'm excited and I am. Truly. I just don't think it's hit me yet.
The intensity of it. The fact that tomorrow morning at like 9 i'm going to have kindergarten kids coming up to me and sitting beside me.
Intense. ly fun =)
So i'm really excited for VBC.
And i'm also nervous. As I am for anything that i'm doing. Haha Arts Cafe.
I guess i'm nervous about just meeting the kids. Like they're going to be absolutely awesome but as like JK and SK kids I guess i'm scared i'll be a bad crew leader or i'll be really distracted. I guess I'll touch more on the latter one afterwards.
And also my drama team's been a little on the iffy side. Like I love the people in it. It's a little different from last year I guess because it's so diverse in it's people. Like we have drama veterans, fresh drama meat and non-christians. And I guess that kind of threw me off.
But I guess I shouldn't worry about it because they're gonna be awesome. Absolutely awesome =)
I'll try to write during VBC. But I'll probably be DEAD TIRED! =P
But I'm glad. Absolutely thrilled that I've been blessed with this opportunity. Because it is an opportunity right? To be in the presence of such amazingly innocent and awesome children =)

And now onto the probably most problematic issue for me. And yet it's the most recurring. Remember how I mentioned I was scared of being distracted during VBC?
I think the first post I ever wrote, I talked about this. The girl.
I guess this past week or so I've been thinking of it a little more. Maybe it's because I'm not being at an Arts Cafe practice everyday. Which doesn't fully make sense. Because of well...anyways.
But I guess it's been on my mind a lot.
I actually typed up like 3-4 more paragraphs about this but the blogger kind of messed up on me and I guess i'll try retyping it again. But it'll be different I guess.

So last night at dinner I realized...I'm not really fun. And I guess by fun I mean I probably won't poke you if you poke me or I can't joke around and maybe playfully push you or just...carry on a casual conversation. Some people might think I'm comfortable but I think that's only when I'm maybe screaming or being obnoxious or just being ridiculous but when it comes time for me to just talk with someone...I'm always awkward. I always find myself just floating around sometimes after service because I don't know who to talk to and what to talk about. I'm not very social. And when I realize this and think about it....I remember that this is something I have to let pass. Because there's no other thing to do about it. Because she's just so...much more than I am. And i know it sounds like the dumb sterotypical thing. But I mean when I look at her, like I can barely talk to her...

And so I guess that's how it's going with that right now. I've been thinking about it more. Thinking about it for the past week. past while. past year.
And I think something that I'm wrestling with is God in this situation. Like I guess I've been praying about it for a while now. And I haven't seen like this concrete kind of answer or maybe an answer at all. It's kind of been scattered and I guess this is maybe why I'm struggling. Because i don't know where to go and what to do. And it scares me because it is distracting. Sometimes I find myself indirectly thinking about her out of the blue and i feel...messed up. Maybe that's not the right word. But it's what I can come up with now. I was talking to a friend about this and she asked me if I was feeling all this because I "liked" a girl and I guess it was. It's weird. But that's just how it is right now. So I guess that's the basic gist of that.

I guess the last paragraph and the couple before it make my life seem kind of on the lower side of things. But it isn't. I'm actually really excited. Despite the fact that I'm probably going to get distracted, despite the fact that I'm going to feel extremely awkward, I'm still excited =). There's going to be a lot happening during these 2 weeks. And I guess I'm kind of expecting a lot to happen. But God can do amazing things. I just hope I continue to see them and just thank Him and also do devos.

And so that's probably the wrap up of my second time writing this post =P
kind of funny how i have to write it twice. =)

And for the random posts with the girl Lisa, they're part of a story I was inspired to randomly write because I have an amazing writer as a friend. Tragic stories, but absolutely breathtakingly amazing. So I don't know where it's going to go in terms of plot but...we'll see =)

And that's the end of this SUPER long post =)
Thanks

-Chris