Hey
So I guess it's kind of over. The week of hectic madness, of amazing prayer meeting, of late nights and lifting insurmountable things to God. Not quite sure if I even used that word in it's proper context.
I realized beginning Friday that I'd been so worried about getting things wrong and losing timing and forgetting things that I forgot the purpose of the whole night. The whole night wasn't based around performances. In the end it didn't even seem like that. It was based around love. God's sacrificial love. And I knew that I needed to be filled with it first before doing anything because it'd be completely useless if I did it perfectly but had no love.
If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. - 1 Corinthians 13:2
Up to the very last minute before the night began I was doing something, running around and I could feel myself being pulled all over the place. The last prayer meeting I guess was something that I'd heard a lot. It's said at every giant massive event but it's true nonetheless.
The whole night, the first hour it was a rush. I guess it was a lot of "get on stage now! wait get the mics! are you ready? i'm not ready. let's do this" and I really forgot to pray in the critical moments like that but praise God that He hears the Spirit praying for me. Spoken Word, it went alright I think. We all hit our cues just about and I hope it started the night off with some thought. Skit I used Jake and Ryan simultaneously because well..i got nervous. We ended up finishing a lot earlier than anticipated but that's alright. Dance, it went a lot smoother than i thought it would. Did some of the steps a little off and kicked the ball off but recovered. And overall after all that, I was glad it was over. I just wanted to sit down. To stop it all. Or at least stop myself. I wanted to stop and spend some time with God and I was just glad that the first half of the night was over.
The counselors had their individual testimonies and it was interesting and convicting. Some more than others. Learning to put God first. I've been so focused on WTF, with school all over the place this week and as much as I know i need to do devos and as much as I'm singing worship songs under my breath during school, it's still not the same. It's still not the same focus. And that's something I really need to focus on now. I've wanted to spend a day with God for a long time now. Just a day of sitting there with God and the Bible and praying and reading and praying and reading and memorizing Scripture and letting it pierce through me.
I don't know why. My heart feels heavy right now. I told myself to finish the family worship skit but I feel like just sitting down in my room alone and just to break myself down and to go to the core of everything. I need to be broken. And i can feel myself leaving a state of brokenness. When our sight is fixed on the approval of man and not of God it becomes different. Yesterday we went to Destiny and parts of it were alright and other parts I felt oddly out of place. I never feel at ease at places like that. Kind of like expensive drinks and just an atmosphere with some secular music and late nights. It feels artificial, kind of fake. People go out to have a good time but inside, they could be hurting, they could be tired, they could be putting on a mask. I guess that's why I don't love really like fancy stuff like that. Raw park nights, nights sitting on a hardwood floor talking and laughing together, praying in a car. There's so much in this world that we shouldn't be doing. And i guess this is a time for me to evaluate myself. To find my priorities and rearrange them. And put God first. I don't want to live my life any other way.
I'm glad I got to talk to some people yesterday and just learn about how they were doing even if it was for just a couple of short minutes. I miss seeing my cell group too. I saw parts of them yesterday and I was in such a rush I didn't get to talk to them and I miss seeing us all together and it's just such an amazing opportunity and experience that God has given to me. and it's so humbling being in a cell group and when they blow your mind.
Sorry i'm terribly scrambled this entire post because my mind's floating all over the place.
Some big things on my mind. I want to go on missions this year. Manitoba. And i really want to go. But that's just ME. I don't know if God wants me to go and so it's something to pray about. TC, i'm worried about it taking up so much time. every saturday. 3 hours. 4 including driving time. I'm not going to semi, i don't belong in that kind of environment. I guess it kind of mimics Destiny's. that kind of feel. the emptiness. the fakeness. the people full of passions that mean nothing. people filled with false understandings of love.
Yesterday a friend asked me about the girl. I haven't mentioned that in a while. I was going to in the new year post but it got a tad long. So it seems that it's kind of faded out. I still see her and I want to get to know her more and I want to talk with her and whatnot but I don't think that's the characteristics of liking someone. I think that's the characteristics of wanting to befriend somebody. And maybe that's what it was all along but nobody knew how to classify it every time i talked about it.
So here comes the end of my post of scattered thoughts and of blunt rhythms.
p.requests:
- priorities. God. prayer. family. friends. school.
- trust in the Lord and to give my life to Him. Oh how easily we say that. Do we really know what it means?
-Chris
"I never feel at ease at places like that. Kind of like expensive drinks and just an atmosphere with some secular music and late nights. It feels artificial, kind of fake. People go out to have a good time but inside, they could be hurting, they could be tired, they could be putting on a mask. I guess that's why I don't love really like fancy stuff like that. Raw park nights, nights sitting on a hardwood floor talking and laughing together, praying in a car. There's so much in this world that we shouldn't be doing."
ReplyDeleteThis hits me straight to the core. Because I know this feeling of being somewhere that the world promises will feel good, but how empty it is. I remember going to a concert, I thought it was fun but mostly on the inside I was asking, "Why don't I feel the high I see on other people's faces around me?" I tried so hard to force myself to feel good, but my mind would not allow me to lie. Don't you hate the feeling of going somewhere not meaningful and going home feeling empty? I've felt that after big events... a sort of... loneliness. You are surrounded by so many, a lot of times numbers are illusions: people do not believe that you cannot be lonely without being alone. It's a thing that I've been thinking about a lot.
But this emptiness is perhaps the biggest blessing: it causes us to search and yearn for more, for God. We are living proof he alone has the power to quench our thirsts an everlasting spring that wrecks our broken cisterns.
"Trust in the Lord and to give my life to Him. Oh how easily we say that. Do we really know what it means?" I think we only know what it means when we are doing it.